Welcome to your Life

I was talking with some friends today about how hard it is to raise kids. I found myself laughing because, I myself, never really liked kids before I had one of my own. I didn't really like other's people's children, especially ones I did not know. The loud, whiney, misbehaved, annoying ones... you know the kind. Well, to me, all kids were that way. And frankly, I had no intention of indulging in the possibility that someday, I might just have a naughty or bratty child of my own!

Then. Like pandora's box- the world opened up as soon as I found out I was going to be a mother myself! Children were cute. Drool was funny and adorable. Loud yelling in the store, was all of a sudden a happy screech and was just another happy kiddo using the world as his or her playground. Babies were huggable and not so much breakable. The baby section at the store wasn't a waste of space, but an amazing adventure to hunt and search through to find the next amazing deal to prepare for the coming months for my daughter coming into this world.

Everything changes.

While talking with my friend across the street, the inevitable comment happened, as it usually does in new circumstances and with new friends in new conversations. As this comment does not get brought up frequently in the close-knit circles of my family or friends who know me enough to not say it, or know me enough that they just better not even think it.

"Well, I can't imagine

 how hard it must be sometimes 

for you doing all of this on your own". 

And, all at once. there it happens. my skin feels like jumping off of my body- and i can't help but feel like running out of the room kicking and screaming like a 5 year old. But- instead. I take a breath, a nice calm easy swallow- and proceed to explain that; you do what you have to do. 


I am no saint. I am no martyr. I do not expect pitty or sadness or anxiety or any other negative emotion about my own situation. Because like everyone else's story; this story is my own.

I work hard for everything I have. It's not always a glorious adventure that I skip through with a happy smile on my face and have rainbows with happy fluffy things radiating from my soul- sometimes it has darkness. Sometimes it is stormy, and long and tiring. Sometimes my moods get in the way of my day, and sometimes- it's exhausting.

I wish i could say that I saw my life being much different than it is now... but truly , as most of my high school pals can vouch for, I really didn't see my future much past 21. (hah). It was almost a humorous thing to bring up when you talked about futures, and lives after partying and the next friday night- or the next monday-sunday nights. When you have no purpose in life, which most adolescents without obligations don't, it's hard to see a solid future.

Granted, anyone can say - i want a nice house, a nice car, a good job blah blah blah. Your cookie cutter , perfect paint by number collage fantasy of your "future" life.

Which is funny, because by the time you reach that age of really thinking about futures, and adulthood- you should already know that life is no fairy tale, with no perfect path to the right direction. In fact most of us find ourselves fumbling, and stumbling through what seems like pitch-black darkness until we realize, we're IN our lives, and we are IN our futures.


Next thing you know- here you are. Adulthood. Grown up. "Mature".

You're expected to be all of these things, and I won't lie- there's a bit of guilt that comes along when I'm not all of those things.

I've always had an intense predisposition to cynicism. I'm sarcastic about anything that you can be sarcastic about. I'm not always at my best- when I know that I should be. Here I am , a mom- and I feel like I should have the world figured out. Like, I should have all of the answers on the silver platter- waiting to be served out to anyone who asks for them.


See, I don't think just because we get somewhere in life- regardless of the milestone- that we are automatically expected to have it all lined up perfectly. But apart of me still feels like I should be better. Does it mean I have growing up still to do? Maybe. But maybe more importantly those things that I do not know, or do not fully understand yet about my life- or about my future and or purpose... maybe those things aren't meant for me to figure out. It's kind of another instance where you don't know the answer, or the direction or path you're on- until you're there, at your destination...Staring at a big Welcome to your Life sign; only to take a few steps forward and realize you're on a whole other journey questioning the same things, all over again.