I can feel it coming on, every so often, like a bad case of heartburn- only tums don't help the burn. I get content in a situation, and BOOM I'm ready for more. It's a constant feeling that I can trace back as early as the mid-teen years, when my first job wasn't as exciting or offering me exactly what I'd hoped for- aside from the paycheck every week. Then came the next job, and the one after that. Then came nursing school- that was ok- that got me to a few good opportunities. Then some ups and downs in dating world, then before you know it- there I was ready to be a mom.
Now- two years later, here I am at 25 with a house, 2 year old, decent job, and going to school to get some More out of life.
That's the part I'm not terribly great at. The waiting game.
It's an anxiety-feeling that overtakes me most days, waiting for something BIG to happen. Something new. Something out of the ordinary. But it never comes. It's like waiting for your instant-pick lottery numbers to finally hit, so you can finally win the lottery that you " just know" you're destined to win.
Now, I'm not saying that progress in my life hasn't been made- because that would sound ungrateful and untrue. I've been blessed, I'd say, with the intuition and motivation to follow my gut instinct and go with each great opportunity as it has come along the way- and most of the time, that instinct has taken me to bigger and better things.
When does the big break happen though. When does that "ah ha" moment really come, when I'll look back in 20 years and say, now THAT was the moment when everything changed.
Am I rushing the future to figure out what moves I made right, or wrong to get me to that place, in the future? Probably. Does everyone have this feeling though? I feel like I look around, and all I see are polar opposites. People who are living their life, completely content in their situation- not really searching- or yearning for more.
It's a depressing thing though, because it makes me feel like I do everything differently. How I raise my daughter, how I keep my home, how I don't let go of standards for the people I hold close to me- or those who I keep at a distance. I don't feel that I'm better than any one person or the next- but I definitely feel like some of those people have a few screws loose in their own priorities or standards.
It's making a list of "to-do's" or things to check off throughout the day to feel accomplishment, but it's the feeling like the list is never ending. We spend our whole lives making new lists, just to finish the first list- and start another- and this continues until the day we die.
We rush through our lives, and through the stages, to get to the next. It's figuring out how to take today for what it is- and cherish the moment knowing that tomorrow is a new day- with new opportunities, but being content in the truth that some of that is mostly out of our control. Or is it. Who makes our destiny? Ourselves, or something Bigger?
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