Anticipation of Change

I mentioned the other day to someone, when talking about the new changes coming up; different job- less days, working one job instead of two, less daycare for Adyson (more time with me), different-but-better hours… changes overall. He nicely said, “It’ll be fine Amanda, you’ll do great ”.

 I went on to explain the general turmoil/ anxiety that I go through when I make a big change like that. It’s funny how certain moments stand out for us that brought life change…

There was the switching gradeschools going into 3^rd grade, as my earliest memory of change…learning that fear of change by the time you’re 8, knowing that everything as you know it- worrying about lunch tables, friends at recess, and sleepover buddies--- is all changing.

I went from a small class of 10 in 8th grade,  to what seemed like Europe in comparison to my small little world of elementary school...And it might as well have been just as foreign. The ideas of going into a school where everyone knew everyone- but me- terrified me...  For all i cared, i could have remained in 8th grade forever if it meant i could have avoided the anxiety of yet another, "new" school.

 Graduating a high school with a student body of 600, moving on into a world of millions, bringing on an entire future lifetime of change. No wading into the waters, getting your feet wet. No adjusting over summer break into the idea of a new place or new circumstance… 18 to adulthood after a few words, “congratulations class of 2006”, with the metaphoric plunge into the deep end; sink or swim.

I spent a while, it seemed, doing the  monotonous motion of working and partying, trying to find some sort of meaning for my life--the politically correct term of your care-free 18 year old... "self discovery"....but as it always does, it got old quickly,  and the “restless life syndrome” kicked in. I needed change. Even at the thought of change when you’re younger, you learn to dread. The evolution of and maturity into actually seeking out and craving change makes me laugh now;  the contrast of views between adolescent and adult on the topic of change, makes me smile to say the least.

Nursing school by all respects was one of the biggest battles that I’d won in my lifetime. I remember the “acceptance letter” from the DON…feeling on top of the world, nursing graduation saying goodbye to friends and text books, sitting for the nursing state boards; crying afterwards feeling as though I’d failed the only test of my adult life that I HAD to pass. Clicking enter one last time online to see my fate; “Pass” flashing across the screen, was the relief of a lifetime. Working in the nursing home, seeking something else. Moving onto an office, into a foreign specialty I’d known minimal information about- and with no plans to turn back to long term care or rehab facilities.

Adyson. . .

The biggest, most exciting change of my life thus far. Who also brought the real world of adulthood with her to me- all conveniently wrapped up in that little pink blanket; motherhood, my first house, responsibility etc… A task and change, I jumped into headfirst without any second thoughts or any regrets hereafter. With her being born came not one new person, but two- the second being myself. Choices, decisions, changes…all revolve  now, around her. 

Today, I feel panic set in again sometimes when I think about the last couple of years that I’m leaving behind here at the office, moving onto something new with a new job… but at the same time I stop in awe at everything that came with me moving into my position here over these years. Changes I never knew would accompany me upon leaving. Growth that I’d never known possible. People that I will never forget, the laughs and jokes shared with office staff and providers, natural frustrations and bumps along the way, motivation for growth as a nurse with plenty of people pushing me forward- all a part of this new person that I am now working on becoming.

Only thing left to do now, is embrace new changes… and try to push aside the fear that we’re trained to attach with the excitement- and jump in again, feet first- and prepare to land into something new and different… and in a couple of years,  I’ll look back again and realize what this new change meant for me with the same weight and heaviness that I feel now, in moving forward.



The Win

 

I’d like to think in my older years I’ve grown a lot, learned enough, and gained enough self-control to say that I’ve matured very well into adulthood. I can say that I have taken on my role as a functioning member of society with ease, and the adjustment period was relatively minimal. I was the girl who talked about her first house and dream job- by the time I was 15. I was getting bathroom sets, microwaves and vacuums,  things that normally don’t come until college years,  for Christmas by the time I was 16.

I would sit down with my mom on a Friday night and write out how much things cost; light bills, heating, groceries, car payments, and everything else that it takes to run a house and life on a month-to-month basis! Needless to say- I was ready.

Now, the thing most everyone brushes over is that regardless of you’re age, you continue to grow and learn. You figure out weaknesses in your character and try to grow from them- at the same time without taking it too hard when the brick wall of imperfection comes out of nowhere, bluntly stopping you in your tracks of progress.

For me, it’s when I feel that my blood is boiling. I can literally feel my blood pressure creeping up into danger-zone, heart racing, pupils dilating. It’s when I literally feel the argument raising up into my vocal cords and using every ounce of physical strength in me- to keep my jaw shut, knowing that once my mouth opens- the flood gates are down; there’s no turning back from that point.

Usually the tears come later, but sometimes they’re the first to arrive. The words start flowing and the anger is radiating through my whole body at this point. Generally I try to keep my cool until the argument is through- but that’s never a guarantee. Everything I’ve held in to that point related to the directed target, comes out.

 Self-control is gone and it’s a firing squad of insults and backhanded remarks- which might as well have been a physical assault because it comes out just as harsh and cold. 

I’ve gotten pretty good at the cool calm and collected arguments; using that method to irritate the other person enough to get them to the point of backing down first. I understand what it takes to get them there- and I use it as weapon of mass destruction all of it’s own category. Be neutral and as careless in the argument as possible. Be the person with the level head in the argument- and wait for the opposition to crack. Think of what they’ll say first, so you can already prepare your response. Stay  5 steps ahead of them, without them knowing they’ve even missed a beat.

The storming away usually gets me the most satisfaction. Instant-win scratch offs aren’t even as affirming. This means you won, white flags up, no questions asked- no instant replay needed,  end of story- book closed. A subtle smirk, and feeling all of your fight-or-flight responses calming down, bringing you to the point of reality and stability while your fellow arguer stomps away in rage, stewing and upset- continuing to do so– for the remainder of the day.

It’s worth it really. 

But hey, we all have growing up to do, right? J