Welcome to your Life

I was talking with some friends today about how hard it is to raise kids. I found myself laughing because, I myself, never really liked kids before I had one of my own. I didn't really like other's people's children, especially ones I did not know. The loud, whiney, misbehaved, annoying ones... you know the kind. Well, to me, all kids were that way. And frankly, I had no intention of indulging in the possibility that someday, I might just have a naughty or bratty child of my own!

Then. Like pandora's box- the world opened up as soon as I found out I was going to be a mother myself! Children were cute. Drool was funny and adorable. Loud yelling in the store, was all of a sudden a happy screech and was just another happy kiddo using the world as his or her playground. Babies were huggable and not so much breakable. The baby section at the store wasn't a waste of space, but an amazing adventure to hunt and search through to find the next amazing deal to prepare for the coming months for my daughter coming into this world.

Everything changes.

While talking with my friend across the street, the inevitable comment happened, as it usually does in new circumstances and with new friends in new conversations. As this comment does not get brought up frequently in the close-knit circles of my family or friends who know me enough to not say it, or know me enough that they just better not even think it.

"Well, I can't imagine

 how hard it must be sometimes 

for you doing all of this on your own". 

And, all at once. there it happens. my skin feels like jumping off of my body- and i can't help but feel like running out of the room kicking and screaming like a 5 year old. But- instead. I take a breath, a nice calm easy swallow- and proceed to explain that; you do what you have to do. 


I am no saint. I am no martyr. I do not expect pitty or sadness or anxiety or any other negative emotion about my own situation. Because like everyone else's story; this story is my own.

I work hard for everything I have. It's not always a glorious adventure that I skip through with a happy smile on my face and have rainbows with happy fluffy things radiating from my soul- sometimes it has darkness. Sometimes it is stormy, and long and tiring. Sometimes my moods get in the way of my day, and sometimes- it's exhausting.

I wish i could say that I saw my life being much different than it is now... but truly , as most of my high school pals can vouch for, I really didn't see my future much past 21. (hah). It was almost a humorous thing to bring up when you talked about futures, and lives after partying and the next friday night- or the next monday-sunday nights. When you have no purpose in life, which most adolescents without obligations don't, it's hard to see a solid future.

Granted, anyone can say - i want a nice house, a nice car, a good job blah blah blah. Your cookie cutter , perfect paint by number collage fantasy of your "future" life.

Which is funny, because by the time you reach that age of really thinking about futures, and adulthood- you should already know that life is no fairy tale, with no perfect path to the right direction. In fact most of us find ourselves fumbling, and stumbling through what seems like pitch-black darkness until we realize, we're IN our lives, and we are IN our futures.


Next thing you know- here you are. Adulthood. Grown up. "Mature".

You're expected to be all of these things, and I won't lie- there's a bit of guilt that comes along when I'm not all of those things.

I've always had an intense predisposition to cynicism. I'm sarcastic about anything that you can be sarcastic about. I'm not always at my best- when I know that I should be. Here I am , a mom- and I feel like I should have the world figured out. Like, I should have all of the answers on the silver platter- waiting to be served out to anyone who asks for them.


See, I don't think just because we get somewhere in life- regardless of the milestone- that we are automatically expected to have it all lined up perfectly. But apart of me still feels like I should be better. Does it mean I have growing up still to do? Maybe. But maybe more importantly those things that I do not know, or do not fully understand yet about my life- or about my future and or purpose... maybe those things aren't meant for me to figure out. It's kind of another instance where you don't know the answer, or the direction or path you're on- until you're there, at your destination...Staring at a big Welcome to your Life sign; only to take a few steps forward and realize you're on a whole other journey questioning the same things, all over again.

"Everything"

I have a habit of making, and breaking plans.

I say I’ll call – then sometimes I won’t.

I’ll make excuses for not going somewhere, or not keeping plans. 

Reasons appear out of midair,

All to get out of something that shouldn’t be a chore, or tiring-

I make my way out of things, quite often.

 

I cling tight to things that are easy.

Things that require no effort at all.

Admittedly, I’m a bit antisocial.

I’d rather stay home.. most of the time.

 

I have a habit of being impulsive.

I over-analyze, most things.

When I want something, I’ll probably get it.

I can make a list of things to do,

And only get to a few of them.

And I still sleep, just fine.

 

I’d rather watch a movie, than do things that should be done.

I’d rather eat fast food, than make a healthy meal at home.

I’d rather use my dryer’s high heat, than use an iron.

I’d rather take the long way home, than the short route.

 

I usually don’t listen when I’m given advice.

I will figure it out on my own,

Admitting you were right, years later.

 

I say I’m ok , when I’m not.

I’ll smile when I want to scream, or cry.

 

I still listen to 90’s boybands,

And I will rock out to them in my car, and shower.

I liked Nsync, and BSB – equally.

Dawson’s creek reminded me of my highschool boyfriend.

Every episode…

And-

I secretly wanted it to be Joey and Pacey, the whole time.

 

I am a hopeless romantic,

But I cringe at overly touchy-couples.

Unless its me.

Then,  I don’t mind PDA at all.

 

I will do what I want.

Generally, I hate authority.

I’ll ask what you think,

But hate the criticism, no matter how constructive.

I lose my temper, more often than not.

 

A part of me wants to start all over,

And go to school to be a lawyer.

 

I check my pocket for my keys, at least three times.

Before I shut the house, or car door.

 

I check the mirror a lot, To make sure I look alright.

I’m arrogant , and self conscious

Usually at the same time.

I’m can be put together to a T,

But a mess with the rest of them too.

 

 

“I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting 
And you’ve never met anyone as, 
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part 
You see all my light and you love my dark 
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed 
There's not anything to which you can’t relate 
And you’re still here”

---Everything

Alanis Morisette

 

 

 

"I Saw God Today"

          Today was mother's day... not just any mother's day- but, my first mother's day , as a mom. 

It was a good day. Adyson slept in until pretty late, for her normal 6:05 wake-up, like in some way she knew it was a day for her mom, and she should hold off on her morning jabber, for at least 45 minutes longer than the normal wake up call. We stayed in bed for an unnecessary amount of time, but- I can't help but to hang out with her as much as, and as long as possible, when I can on days like today... I'd give everything to be able to get more moments like that.. 

My head, nice and snug next to her forehead, while she lays there half awake, half asleep, waiting for me to make my move after a long time of contemplating, coffee- or more sleep, one arm wrapped around her stomach like she was my softest, most-delicate pillow in the house. That is where I'd rather stay, in bed with my hunnie, snuggled next to her mom; not a care in the world. 

The world however, has a way, of pulling us out of bed. Dragging us to our feet; the unvierse silently giving us our chores and to-do lists for the day, letting us know that to waste another minute, means too many things will remain undone. So, we stop doing the things we would rather be doing, and move onto the tedious and often monotonous parts of our days. Sometimes I look at a day or two at a time and think, where did those days, and hours even go? You turn on auto-pilot and just coast through the day, then before you know it another week is behind you and so on and so forth.

It was easier to live that life, that way without a baby in the picture. Life could go by without any worries about the time that's been missed. Days and weeks and sometimes months often flew by without even having to think about the time that's past. Measuring of time often recorded solely by the pay-check cycle, a funny story or a picture or two to make us remember a day or a moment that's gone by.

Now although time seems to go all too fast for my liking, there's moments that I feel last forever (not just the, waiting in the doctor's office for the slow doctor, never nurse of course, type of waiting). This is the type of slow motion moment that you literally feel like time is slowing down, just to take it all in- with a nice deep, cleansing breath letting the moment completely take over everything and anything in your body and mind. That moment today, driving home from my mom's, after burgers and Sunday/ Mother's day hangout time.

It was just after 7pm, heading home. I decided to take another trip around the block because Adyson was enjoying the ride in the backseat, kicking her barefeet in her pajamas, looking out the window enjoying the view with the window only slightly cracked to give her a little breeze. The sun was still out, mid-sky ready to start the retreat for sunset...It reminded me of all of the nights driving out to the beach in high school, just for fun, just for a mini-trip to the lake and pier.

 Adyson had her feet crossed like she was sitting in the most comfortable recliner, kicked back in her pajamas, relaxing in her carseat, head titled slightly, resting effortlessly against the side of her carseat and looking out the window. She was talking to herself, chewing on her fingers and her toy-keys for a while, until she got quiet.

Sucked into the powerful zone of sleep and being awake...

I turned my rear view mirror to see her behind me, figuring she'd gone to sleep. But as i pulled to a stop at the stop light, and looked into the backseat she was sitting- peacefully looking out of the window at a tree just outside the window a the edge of the road. I reached back to touch the bottom of her foot, to tickle her and pull her out of her trance, and she turned to me, big heavy blue eyes, tired but completely attentive to my touch. And she smiled. The toothless grin that melts me, the one that takes every bit of sadness, anger, and probably most any negative emotion in me- and wipes the slate clean.

That's the moment when you're super mom. When everything you do is right and perfect, nothing you do could be wrong, you are the lifeline, you are the source of everything good for that little one. The one smile seems to just radiate through you with more power than you'd ever feel from any one human- and a tiny-human at that! It's the best healer, and It truly is,  the best medicine.

"I've been to church
I've read the book
I know he's here
But I don't look
Near as often as I should
Yeah, I know I should
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today"

--George Strait

"I Saw God Today"